I have been dreading the month of June since the initial shock of Colin's death wore off. First, there is always the 2nd day of every month that just reminds me that he has been gone another month and is never coming back. I really hate all the "2nds" right now. Next comes my birthday. This year, I could have cared less if it had just come and gone without anyone ever noticing…but, people tend to know when things like that happen since birthdays are supposed to be special and happy. Well, if it were not for Ava wanting to see her daddy open a present, I would have just ignored the day and been far happier to see June 7.
Now comes the impending Father's Day weekend. I am totally torn about this one. Ellen has been really trying hard to make it something special, even in spite of me being anything from ambivalent to outright dickish about it. I am just glad she loves me so much or I would have taken a swift kick to the nether regions by now (Thank you for being patient and loving, honey). I know that Father's Day is more about your children being able to show how much they love you, but there are two things that keep popping in my head about this…first, I do not need validation, I know Ava loves me…second, and most bothersome is the word "children". I should have my children there to celebrate and hold and love. Don't get me wrong, having Ava there and Ellen there to love and be loved back is amazing. What sucks is that I never even got one Father's day with Colin, and that just sucks in ways I can not even come close to explaining, so I won't even try.
There isn't much more to say without just babbling or tearing up and feeling sorry for myself, so I will just end it with this. To all you Dads out their, I hope you have a wonderful Father's Day and remember to hug your children a bit tighter this year when they give you that god-awful tie.
Colin…a note to you. While you are not physically here, you are still with me this Father's Day weekend, and every other day. I love you.