Sunday, August 7, 2011



It is 7:18 a.m. and Daddy is the only one awake. These are the hardest moments because the chatter of the day to come is silent and I only have my thoughts to keep me company. They are not all sad or confusing thoughts. Actually, many are happy and reflective, but these thoughts are brought into a very crisp focus that often disturbs me. I replay the night of your death and try to find a way I could have prevented it. I picture your Mommy and the images burned into her psyche for eternity. Then I think of Ava and the nightmare she went through with her inconsolable Daddy and the whole police interrogation. Then I picture the last two times I saw you, and neither one is pleasant by any stretch of the imagination. It is in this silence that I ask for your forgiveness and understanding. It is in this silence that I try to find something, anything that makes sense of the senseless nature of an infant dying. It is in this silence that I get to talk to you, be with you, and cry for you, and it is in this silence that I miss you the most. It is now 7:28 a.m., and the silence will soon be no more, so while we have our time, I am going to stop typing and enjoy our morning silence.

I love you, son

1 comment:

  1. Steven,

    As you know words cannot express my sadness. Im so sorry for everything you have gone through and continue to. As fathers we shouldn't have these thoughts but they are always there. Have comfort in knowing that your son loves you and that he knows how much his daddy loves him. Your picture on you bio says it all. Take care my friend and know that if you ever need anything, I am only a phone call away!