Since Daddy is feeling a little bit philosophical these days, here are two quotes from an article (ref) I read that really stick out in my head as to how your death has affected me and my subsequent actions and reactions as time has moved on.
A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!
~ Neugeboren 1976
The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we seek to heal, every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open; this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude.
~ Washington Irving, The Sketch Book, In Moffat 1992
The second of these quotes is where I am now, and probably always will be. Daddy has had many broken bones, stitches, dislocations, and bumps and bruises over his 41 years, and every one of them has healed because of loving family, caring doctors, and the occasional simple bandaid...but mainly because the body heals itself. That is just what bodies do. It seems however that the soul, human spirit, or whatever you call it, is not a self-healing mechanism. We have to choose to heal our soul after the death of our children, and it is a tough choice. Does the healing mean that we lose even more of you, or does the healing open the door for a different closeness? (When I figure it out, I will let you know.) One thing I do know is that even if we choose to heal our soul, it will never be completely better. There will always be a very painful scar that reminds us how much we hurt, and how much we love and miss you. Just so you know, Daddy's soul is healing slowly, and I am figuring out the answers little by little, so do not worry about Daddy too much. You know, by the time I figure out all the answers, I will be able to share in person.
I love you,