Monday, August 15, 2011

Innocence Lost


For most of Daddy's life, he has been seen by many as a bit of a goof, a space cadet, or simply immature. These people were often correct and I was fine with it because it was just me trying to keep some of the child-like innocence that we adults tend to lose or forget. For Daddy, keeping that little bit of innocence made me a big hit with the under 10 circuit. Kids always loved to play with the biggest "kid" in the room, and this big kid was always willing to accommodate. Experiencing the joy of children playing and being completely genuine in it is the most amazing feeling to share with them. It was in those genuinely fun and playful moments that the outside world faded into the shadows. Mortgage payments, job stresses, and general life stuff became as distant as the stars, and Daddy just got to be, and be happy.

When you died, your Daddy lost those last bits of innocence. One of my biggest struggles is to get them back. Do not get me wrong, I love playing with kids still. Seeing the smiles on their faces makes any day a much better day, but even their joy is no longer enough to take the pain away. I wish I could turn off thoughts about you and your death. Sometimes I wonder if I am obsessed with it, but then I realize that it is not obsession at all. It is just there, sometimes more intense than others, but constantly there. Maybe it is meant to be this way. Maybe parents are meant to never be at total peace again after their child dies. Maybe a lot of things...I have no idea. All I know is that today is a bad day that has been building for a while and that losing that final bit of innocence has changed me in ways I do not like. I am trying to get back to that place where I can experience unadulterated joy and appreciate the innocence of children again.

I just hate that my last bits of innocence are gone and in their place are shattered dreams, a lost future, sadness, anger, and frustration of not being able to get back to being me again. Knowing that I will never be the same again is different from accepting it and I am not ready to accept defeat. Your being dead is something I have to accept since I can not change it, but giving up on myself is something I can not do even though some days I really just do not care and want to give up. If it were not for Ava and your Mommy, I probably would have stopped trying by now, but they need me to be the best Daddy and Husband possible, and although I fall down sometimes, they are always there to pick me up. Enough babbling from Daddy know I love you, miss you, and would do anything to have you back, but much like my innocence, you are gone and there is no going back.

I love you!

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