Hey there Colin,
Daddy is not quite sure what is going on with his thoughts and emotions these days. While life is moving forward and time continues to march on, Daddy feels stuck and even in reverse lately, and there is no apparent "trigger" to explain why...and that is incredibly frustrating. Mommy and Ava just celebrated birthdays, and both events were great and joyous, but the joy lasts for only a brief time and then the "joy" of melancholy sets in (I love that word...melancholy...depression without a co-pay) and all the little things creep back in and gnaw at you. All the questions resurface...did I do anything wrong? why could I not save you? why did you have to die? etc., etc.
That is the really crappy part about melancholy...Daddy starts to sink back into the dark recesses of the very early days after your death, and the flashbacks worsen, and the nightmares fight harder to drive you crazy. You know what, Colin, your Daddy is tired...not just physically tired, but whole being tired. These are the days that taking another punch feels like too much and you just want the ref to count to ten and end the fight. Unfortunately, the fight keeps going, tomorrow is another round, and you brace yourself for one more punch that hopefully hurts slightly less than the last one.
Maybe the guilt of trying to "reinvest in life" is wearing on your Daddy, or maybe it is the guilt of experiencing joy while still mourning your death, or maybe it is just the brain telling me that I am not as far down this journey as I wanted and hoped to be. Whatever it is, melancholy only scratches the surface of how Daddy feels these days. Seeing your smiling little face on my computer screen helps for a few brief moments, so I look at it often, but do it too much and it serves as a reminder that your little smile is gone for good, and then I go right back to being miserable. Just know that I never blame or resent you in any way...rather, I just miss you.