Paradoxical Living

Colin,

I have gone back and read many of my posts again, many of the comments I have made on other blog posts, and some useful and helpful articles in trying to get a handle on what I have been feeling for the past month or so and have come to a conclusion. I am forever going to live in a paradox. I smile and play with children at a birthday party while at the same time live with an underlying sadness that I do not allow to be seen. I spend time with my wife, love her, laugh with her, and look into her eyes and see that same sadness that lies just beneath the surface, knowing I can do nothing to relieve the sorrow. I have come to accept that I can be happy and sad at the exact same time, and that sometimes makes me feel like I have given in to grief. Other times I feel very irritated and angry that this is the new reality.

Many people have told me to not be sad and try to find some peace with your death, and while I accept and am at peace with the fact that you died, I am not anywhere close to being at peace with the concept of you dying. Infants are not supposed to die!

Maybe one day living in a paradox will change and I can be 100% happy with no underlying sadness, but right now I can not imagine that possibility. The sadness is always there, constantly gnawing at me and infiltrating every happy moment. Maybe it is how life is supposed to be after you died. Maybe parents are never supposed to let go of their sadness because that is letting go of their children. I wish I knew the answer. For now it just helps to acknowledge it, accept it, and try to move forward in the paradox. There really is not anything else I can do.

Thanks for listening. I love you!
Daddy