Daddy was thinking of a way to describe the peaks and valleys of dealing with your death and all the stuff that just will not relent since. I thought about many years ago driving to Western Maryland to go skiing with Mommy and some friends from way back when. Back then four cylinder cars did not fair so well going up steep slopes...especially when carrying any load other than the driver, so when you went up the mountain, you were nervous that you would not make it to the next peak, and when you went down the mountain, you stepped on the gas so hard that you would either crash or get just enough momentum to climb the oncoming slope. Both things, the ups and the downs, had their moments of trepidation and uncertainty, but in the end, we made it to the ski resort. How does that relate to you? Good question. In dealing with your death, Daddy has had many ups and downs (very down lately) but the ride never changes. Your Daddy wonders if he has enough gas left to get to the next peak and is terrified when all of the sudden he is going 90 mph down to the next valley. Funny thing is that when you reach either the peak or the valley, there is, just for a moment, calm. Trust me, your Daddy is trying to find that calm on every climb and every descent (sometimes failing miserably), but still searching for that calm. Hopefully, somewhere along this journey, the peaks will get smaller and the valleys less deep, and that ever elusive calm will settle in.
Thank you for always letting me talk to you and share my worst moments. You are my son and I love you!