There is this little thing that the medical community likes to call Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). According to the linked website, PTSD is a potentially debilitating anxiety disorder triggered by exposure to a traumatic experience such as an interpersonal event like physical or sexual assault, exposure to disaster or accidents, combat or witnessing a traumatic event. There are three main clusters of symptoms: firstly, those related to re‐experiencing the event; secondly, those related to avoidance and arousal; and thirdly, the distress and impairment caused by the first two symptom clusters.
Daddy likes the words 'potentially debilitating' as they try to soften the blow and making it sound like you can somehow escape the debilitating part...well, that is a big stinking pile of garbage. After sitting through one of the nastier flashbacks in a while this morning, my debilitation had far more than potential. It crushed ever ounce of strength Daddy had. He had to get out of the office and find a private spot to just let it all out and uncontrollably sob. It came without warning, rocked Daddy to the very core, and sent him into an uncontrollable crying fit...how in the world is that potentially debilitating? I can say that maybe it can be defined as episodically debilitating, but that is even a stretch. Your death has changed the scale of debilitation by removing the lower 25% or so. There is not a moment that goes by that some part of your Daddy does not function well, and many moments where barely any of him functions at all. That is what PTSD is really like, and Daddy wishes clinicians would realize how condescending it sounds to those who live with this burden every moment of our existence. PTSD should be defined as Permanent Traumatic Stressed almost to the point of breaking Disorder. That would be a far more accurate definition. Oh, and Daddy purposefully avoided those silly clusters since all they do is try to make everything sounds as if it is not really that bad...really...re-experiencing the event??? How about reliving in horrific and vivid detail the death of your son and everything associated with it?!? Try re-experiencing that just once and get back to me.
Sorry for the rant...it has been a while, and Daddy needed to get it out.
I love you very much!