Goodbye

Colin,

Daddy has had so many struggles of late that they are too numerous to address in one post, so Daddy will just try to deal with the big picture of letting go. As you know, Daddy has kept this blog in order to help himself work through things, keep you 'alive' somehow, and also hold onto a past that will never come back. That last part is the toughest to understand and deal with. Holding onto that past used to mean holding onto you, but now it feels like holding onto bad feelings, bad emotions, bad habits, and just bad karma…and you are not in any part associated with any of that bad stuff. You are and will always be perfect in Daddy's eyes, no matter what goes on in his brain.

That bad stuff Daddy is holding onto has made him question just about everything in his life. First there is this blog. Ending it used to feel like Daddy was doing a disservice to you. It evolved into something that Daddy felt helped others as well as himself, so the responsibility of keeping it became greater because others depended on it for their own reasons. Keeping it going has been very conflicting as of late…until yesterday. Yesterday I spoke with someone about this blog and the bracelet I wear with your name feeling as much a prison as a sanctuary, and then it hit me…I created a sanctuary for myself that slowly turned into an emotional prison because I was too scared to let you go. I do not mean forget about you, or not somehow keep you alive in my heart and mind, but to let you go in a positive way. As much as Daddy would love life to be different, you are dead, and that fact will never change. It has been 14 long months, but Daddy is finally in a place to let go of the hatred and anger that has imprisoned him all this time. It was, quite literally, killing him, and a dead Daddy might take away the pain, but you have a Big Sister, soon to be Baby Sister, and a Mommy who not only need Daddy, but Steven…and Steven has been missing for far too long.

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For those of you who have followed this blog, thank you for all of your love and support, your comments and advice, and most of all…the friendships that I now hold near and dear. It is time for Colin's Daddy to say goodbye and go back about the business of finding Steven again. He is needed back in Greenbelt where he belongs.

Take care and much love to you all.

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One last note to you, son. Daddy always loved you and still loves you! That will never change, but for now Daddy needs to focus his energy on Mommy and the girls. We will talk as always, but it will just be between us from now on…as it should be.

I love you and miss you always!
Daddy