I have read many articles, research papers, and blogs
relating to grief, especially after the death of a child. Many of these
information sources state that we must find a way to go on to honor our dead
children. I used to believe this as well, but as the two-year anniversary of
Colin’s death quickly approaches, my views are starting to shift on this
particular subject. What exactly would I do to ‘honor’ my dead son? To me, just
the fact that I am still here and still doing the best I can (my best is not always
all that great) should be enough ‘honor’ after having him die. If not, then do
my bad days dishonor him? Does the fact that I am still a flawed human being
struggling to get through most of my days dishonor him? Do I have to live up to
a higher standard now than someone who has never been down this road? What
exactly does living to honor Colin mean? Maybe at the end of my life I will
look back and think differently. Maybe Ava and Audrey will be amazing women who
show me that I did honor Colin and them by trying to do what is right and helping
them grow into the best people they can be. Right now, however, I am no longer
going to try to live to honor my dead son. I am focusing on making myself a
stronger person, better husband, better father to Ava and Audrey, and hopefully
each day will show improvement in one or all of those things, but trying to
live to honor Colin is just too much pressure to keep up on a daily basis. In
30, 40, 50? Years, I will let you all know if I feel that my daily works and
deeds allow me to say that I honored my son.
I've often wondered about that too. I think it's great when someone finds a positive way to channel their grief, like some of the organizations or support groups I've seen. But every one can't do that. Nor should they be expected to. Just surviving should be more than enough.
ReplyDeleteI agree with this so much. There was a cartoon video going around at one point about the loss of a child and in one of the vignettes one grieving mother is kind of bragging to the other about all of her charity events and such. In some communities I have seen a veritable competition of sorts. At some point in the future I would like to start a foundation that offers financial assistance after the death of a child but for right now I do not have that time or strength to do so. I think the fact that I am able to get out of bed, have a healthy relationship with my husband, work, and play with my kids is the best way I can honor Toby at the moment.
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