Monday, April 1, 2013


In taking Ava to school today, we did our usual talking in the car about whatever pops into her mind. She made me laugh and smile as she usually does in those special 10 minutes we share in the car, but as we got to her school, I dropped my badge which has her picture and Colin's on the reverse (I need to update to include Audrey too) hanging behind it. She picked it up and showed the pictures to her little friends who mistook Colin for Audrey (an easy mistake since Audrey is alive and they have seen her in person) Ava then explained to then that the picture is really of her baby brother. The kids looked confused until she blurted out..."God is greedy, so he took my baby brother away." Well, needless to say, that was a bit heart wrenching, but I have learned composure over the past 2+ years. She then launched into how thunder is really baby brother having too many burritos and tooting in heaven which made everyone laugh.

Why am I sharing this? and why does it matter? I will try to explain. One of the major issues I always wrestle with is the concept of God, especially in respect to how organized religion often portrays him/her. God has been portrayed and anything from vengeful and vindictive to loving and embracing and every other dichotomous words you can cobble together. God often seems petty, unforgiving, and preferential. Hell, God even has a "Chosen People" (I guess the rest of us are screwed). So, what am I to think of God when my 5 year old says that s/he is greedy? I think that the God that many organized religions portray is a sad reflection of our own humanity...or lack thereof.

Since the word 'greedy' was what started me thinking, I will only focus on that to end my rumblings. Why would a loving and embracing God give my family a gift so precious to only take him away after two short months? Why would a loving and embracing God leave my family with a death that has no answers? Finally why would a loving and embracing God have the need to be greedy? My "God" would not leave me with any of these questions. My "God" would not have my 5 year old telling her friends that "God is greedy", and my "God" will be held accountable for his lack of humanity.


  1. I have been struggling with that very same dilemma for the past 361 days. (Note: I am not preaching here, I may even be wrong. It's just MY beliefs).

    I believe that God exists. I believe that God has a master plan. I believe that it is (obviously) far too complex for us to understand. Am I angry that He took Mason back? Hell Yes. Do I think it is fair? Hell No. But then again, nothing is fair. I wouldn't expect God to be fair while we are here on earth. I believe that this is all a test. Some people get graded on a curve, we don't.

    I know, that doesn't answer any of the questions. I don't think those answers will be given to us till we pass on.

    1. I take nothing away from anyone who has a strong belief in God...I just am not one of those people.

      If God does have a master plan, well it is pretty messed up if this kind of crap is part of it. If questioning the plan sends me to hell, so be it, but if God can not handle a few questions then maybe God does not deserve my attention and I do not deserve his/hers.

    2. Agreed. It is messed up plan. I wish I had answers for you. I wish I had answers for myself.

      As far as a strong belief in God, I do have a strong belief. I'm not a bible thumper. I don't go to church very often. Rarely, in fact. What I do is read. I also go to a friends house about every two weeks where a few of us get together and just talk. We discuss religion and how each of us are doing. I guess it's kind of a small mens fellowship meeting for the lack of a better explanation.

      I don't think questioning Him is an issue. I don't think it's wrong to be angry with Him. Lord knows, I've got a lot of questions. He also knows that I'm pretty damn angry, too. God IS big enough.

      I'm just kind of rambling here, I do that alot now. In a nutshell, I look at it like this. I have one chance to see Mason again. That chance is through God. If, when I get to my end, there is nothing, so be it. But, I don't want to risk not seeing Mason again.

      Stay strong, brother. As it is said in Kelley's book,"It's a heavy load".