A Year Ago, Tonight

Colin,

Here we are already. It is now March 1, 2012. The next 12 hours are going to be a roller coaster of emotions like never before. Daddy is not going to get into all of the details, but as you know, this was the last day you were alive last year. It was the last time Daddy got to hold you, and it was the last time Daddy had only happy thoughts when he heard your name.

Getting to this point has been an incredible struggle that Daddy is often not so sure how he survived...other than Mommy and Ava still need him around. It is in getting to this point that Daddy has realized that the hole is his heart will never be closed, not even one bit. That hole is the permanent scar that will forever be a reminder of you, and it is something Daddy has come to need. The pain, the sorrow, and the sense of profound loss are the glue that keep you close to Daddy. Please do not get me wrong, Daddy thinks many, many happy thoughts about you, but when he goes to those dark places and feels everything as if it is happening all over, a sense of closeness comes right as Daddy starts to climb out of the abyss and remember the two months he did have with you. They were the best two months of Daddy's life...being able to watch you and Ava together and see how much our family was complete. Daddy wishes he realized a few things back then that he knows now, but at least he understands now.

Tomorrow is the official marker in time, but Daddy knows that you really died that day one year ago. He held you on his chest that night for the final time. Tomorrow will come and there will be a Mass in your name, but tonight is the family's night to remember you and remember the past year and how we all survived together and grew closer as a family in spite of and because of one horrible night a year ago today.

I love you and miss you!
Daddy