I never got weirded out by little babies before. Sure, before your sister was born, I would stay as far away from diaper changing as I could. I mean, after all, it wasn't my kid's poopy butt. The came Ava and after getting over the reality of solid food and diapers, it was no big deal. I even got really good at being super fast about the really bad ones. Then there are the other things babies do that at first are pretty gross, but then you get used to it since you are now responsible for the well being of this new little life.
When you came along, it was only different because little boys tend to squirt you on occasion when you take off their diaper. You only got me twice, but it is just baby pee, nothing a little soap and water won't take care of. Then of course, you died and diaper duty ended far too early.
Now, I bet you are wondering where all this chat about babies and diapers is leading. Well...Daddy knows a few friends and colleagues who have either recently had a baby or are soon to have one. For the first time in my life, I am a bit weirded out by the thought of holding a baby. Part of it is that I don't want to be sad in front of the new parents when they are experiencing all this joy. Another part of it is that I do not want to unfairly get mad at these parents for the "Why me and not them?" thing that you can't help but thinking. It isn't their fault that you died. Another is that I don't want the other parents feeling weird that the "SIDS Dad" is holding their baby when he couldn't even save his own...if they let me hold their baby at all. One last part is that I don't want to be sad when I think of you while holding a new baby (heck thinking about holding a new baby makes me tear up). I guess I will just have to be brave and do it, get it out, maybe cry, feel sad, whatever, and hope the parents understand that it is not anything against them or their perfect little baby. It is just that holding my perfect little baby meant so much more.
I love you!