Tuesday, August 9, 2011



I never got weirded out by little babies before. Sure, before your sister was born, I would stay as far away from diaper changing as I could. I mean, after all, it wasn't my kid's poopy butt. The came Ava and after getting over the reality of solid food and diapers, it was no big deal. I even got really good at being super fast about the really bad ones. Then there are the other things babies do that at first are pretty gross, but then you get used to it since you are now responsible for the well being of this new little life.

When you came along, it was only different because little boys tend to squirt you on occasion when you take off their diaper. You only got me twice, but it is just baby pee, nothing a little soap and water won't take care of. Then of course, you died and diaper duty ended far too early.

Now, I bet you are wondering where all this chat about babies and diapers is leading. Well...Daddy knows a few friends and colleagues who have either recently had a baby or are soon to have one. For the first time in my life, I am a bit weirded out by the thought of holding a baby. Part of it is that I don't want to be sad in front of the new parents when they are experiencing all this joy. Another part of it is that I do not want to unfairly get mad at these parents for the "Why me and not them?" thing that you can't help but thinking. It isn't their fault that you died. Another is that I don't want the other parents feeling weird that the "SIDS Dad" is holding their baby when he couldn't even save his own...if they let me hold their baby at all. One last part is that I don't want to be sad when I think of you while holding a new baby (heck thinking about holding a new baby makes me tear up). I guess I will just have to be brave and do it, get it out, maybe cry, feel sad, whatever, and hope the parents understand that it is not anything against them or their perfect little baby. It is just that holding my perfect little baby meant so much more.

I love you!


  1. Steven,

    I know what you mean. Before my daughter I stayed away from babies and did not want to hold them. I guess fear of not wanting to break their baby or doing something wrong was always on my mind. After my daughter and dealing with her fragile body I got very use to holding my little girl in the most careful of ways. But now hold someone elses baby is weird. I recently held a newborn and it felt good and bad at the same time. I cant explain it. It felt right to a point and I know I can do this again (be a father) and hold a little bundle of joy, but wrong because it wasn't my Zayana Grace. I dont know. Sometimes I feel like I dont make sense. Anyways thanks for the post and take care my friend!


  2. I completely identify with both of you on this. I remember holding my cousin's newborn soon after the death of my son and while I was happy for her I was also jealous of her healthy baby that will more than likely outlive her parents. It's a daily struggle, as you know, and all I can do is try to not let those kind of thoughts cloud my mind.

  3. I grew up around lots of babies, so that has always come a little natural to me. But then after my babies died, I hated the thought of someone else's new baby. I was visiting at home a couple month's ago, just days after my uncle's new baby was born, and I avoided that place like the plague. I couldn't bare the idea that his baby lived and mine didn't. I felt so bad because I felt almost like I was mad at the baby for being born while I was there.