Losing My Fear

Colin,

There are many things that have happened to your Daddy since your death. One that I want to share with you today is the concept of fear and losing my fear. Merriam-Webster defines fear as "an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger." For most of my life, I have not feared many things, other than some horrific ways to die, like drowning, but since having you die makes drowning look pleasant by comparison, even those types of fear have wilted away. I am sure that somewhere, I still have fear of something...maybe staring down a pride of lions knowing they are going to tear me apart, but the fear would be more of an anticipation of the inevitable pain from something like that...not my actual death. After all, death is something none of us can run away from. Our clocks are just all set to different starting and ending times and I have come to accept that your clock was different than mine, and there is/was nothing I can/could do about it.

The one thing that I wonder about losing my fear is if it is healthy or not. Please do not get me wrong...I do not plan on testing the pride of lions thing or any other irrationally dangerous scenarios. It just struck me that having some fear is probably a healthy thing, but then again, I feel more healthy and stronger as a man, husband, and father than I ever have. I have yelled and cursed at God, gone through anger, depression, frustration, anxiety, hate (a much misused and overused word), trauma, pain, etc., and have come through all of it a bit battered and bruise, but still standing. To know that I can and have survived the most horrific thing imaginable is very empowering. So, maybe it really is not a total loss of fear but more of a sense of empowerment that allows me to stand up to my fears and defeat them (I know, you are thinking "Daddy, enough philosophical stuff already, I am a baby).

Whatever this "it" is, whether it is losing my fear or gaining that sense of empowerment, just know that I am trying my best to live in a way that honors your memory and would make you very proud of your Daddy. While I may get knocked down a few times, I now have the strength and courage to always get back up and fight...a gift that comes from you and is fueled by my desire to make you, Mommy, and Ava proud of the man I am trying to be. Thank you.

I love you!
Daddy