Colin,
According to the Roman Catholic Church, November 2nd is All Souls' Day where the church commemorates the faithful departed. Yesterday we received a letter from our local church acknowledging that a mass would be held that evening in honor of all from the parish who died this past year. Catholic tradition and good intentions aside, the letter hit Daddy in a weird way. I thought about it last night after Mommy and Ava went to bed, and again this morning during the drudgery of another three hour meeting, and I came to the conclusion that going to this mass and not going would probably be equally important and difficult, and healing and damaging. I know this make little logical sense, but it falls on another one of those anniversaries that is also very conflicting, so who would expect anything logical when you add another layer to it?
A while back Daddy mentioned flashbacks...one in particular about Sunday mass and in thinking about it, there are two separate but equal opportunities here. During this mass, we could all sit in the same pew at the very front and your Daddy could face those demons head on and maybe bring closure to some unresolved (maybe never to be resolved) issues or it could backfire and just add to the nightmare. Who knows?
One other thing your Dad has thought about is that maybe seeing all the other families, who have suffered a death of a loved one, supporting one another on this day of remembrance would be peaceful and the tears would be tears of sadness but also tears of love and acceptance. At the moment, I am not sure about which direction your Daddy is leaning, 50/50 odds do not seem like really good ones these days, but sometimes you have to go all in. Come November 2nd, it just may come down to a simple coin toss and the hope that it lands on the right side...whatever side that may be.
I love you!
Daddy
Giving you love and support whatever you choose and praying that peace comes with it. Doesn't it suck that we have to make such decisions? We faced a similar decision when the hospital where Z was born held a remembrance ceremony. We finally decided to go and for the first 20 minutes of the ceremony I regretted every second and was in tears. However, something eventually settled in and seeing all of the other families grieving along side us, hearing Z's name and lighting a candle in her honor turned into a very catharetic (and exhausting) experience. Sending you much love from the Mendez Family.
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