Colin,
I have been thinking about writing on this topic several times, but to even introduce the word "suicide" makes people freak out and call the men in little white coats to come and take you away. So, I decided to not go there until now. First, I will post this disclaimer letting everyone know that I am not suicidal and have no intentions of ever taking my own life. Now that we have that bit of information out of the way, I can say that I understand why some people do commit suicide. Once you have hit the depths of despair and hopelessness, you are faced with two options: (1) continue to go down into that abyss which ends with taking one's own life because without any hope coupled with the constant feelings of despair, death becomes comforting and even appealing, or (2) find a way out...it really is that simple. However, I am not saying that the way out or the actual taking of one's own life is simple at all...quite the opposite really.
It is in the extra difficult days that your Daddy finds his way out more difficult and, on occasion, gets dragged back down to those darker places. It is a struggle every single day to keep fighting, but that is the path I chose and continue to follow. However, I can see how, after being drug down into the abyss again and again, a person decides that taking their own life will at least end all the mental and emotional torment. Suicide almost becomes glamorous when you consider the thought of living every day with a pain you think no one understands or can ever alleviate. To be totally honest about it, there were times when the idea of ending the pain was tempting, but fortunately for me, the depths of total hopelessness were never reached. Trust me, I came very close, and I do mean VERY close to being there on more than one occasion.
If it were not for Ellen, Ava, and many great and caring friends, it would have been easy to slide into an unrecoverable hopelessness, so I am blessed to have all of them in my life…but imagine if they were not there…if everyone faded away and you are left alone with nothing but your sorrow or the longing to be with your dead son again. Just close your eyes and imagine and when you open them, reach out to someone who hurts. You never know, it may just be enough to help them find a way out.
I love you little guy, and will hold you again…just not for a long time. I still have a lot to do down here.
Daddy
I was thinking about this the other day.
ReplyDelete(Not about killing myself, just to be clear.)
When I had that really bad evening with the nightmares that turned into flashbacks that turned into really bad burns from the shower. I was so desperate to make it stop, to make all that stuff go away. I wondered if that's what it feels like to reach the bottom, to be in that place where that pain is so unbearable that it feels like there is no other way out.
I have felt suicidal on occasion. Still do from time to time. For me, it's been kind of like being depressed and wanting to sleep. Of course, I've had lots of people say things like, "Just think of Pete and Sam!" But, of course, when you're feeling that low you can always rationalize things and tell yourself that they would be better off without you. Finally, though, a friend of mine whose mother had killed herself said kind of nonchalantly to me, "I always wondered why I wasn't good enough to keep her around." That hit me harder than anything. The thought that my Sam would think he wasn't good enough. I think about that a lot and that's what has kept me from doing anything. Well, that and my fear of knives, guns, pain, and vomiting.
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