Daddy wishes he could do something to change the past. He wishes he could do anything to turn back the hands of time, and he wishes more than anything to be able to come to grips with his anger and frustration over your death. At times, Daddy feels he should be "over it", less angry, less troubled, and in a better place than he is, but the reality is that the guilt and regret never seem to want to let go. Some people said that it is a choice to move forward, but Daddy is finding that those who offer that advice usually do not have a dead child. The "choice" that seems to keep coming up is the one of where and how to channel all the negativity that festers in Daddy's brain. Sometimes it comes out in positive ways, sometimes negative, and sometimes down right ugly ways (for those who get the ugly, I am truly sorry). Maybe you Dad should stop searching for and end and start searching for a beginning. Maybe Daddy should accept SIDS as an answer. Maybe Daddy should do a lot of things, but maybe Daddy should not. One thing you probably already know is that Daddy needs answers. Everything has an answer after all. Daddy works at NASA where science eventually answers all mysteries, so why not this one? Why not a revelation, a leap in scientific and medical knowledge? Why not an answer other than a non-answer? Is it too much to ask? Daddy thinks not. Maybe this holiday season a miracle will happen and Daddy will find peace...and an answer.
I love you and miss you terribly!