Saturday, February 18, 2012

Shortcomings

Colin,

Daddy has been struggling with what to say to to you these days...mainly because he is feeling isolated and totally to blame for your death. This is a daily struggle for your Dad since he was the only one there when you died. The self doubt, the second and third guessing, and the what ifs constantly gnaw at your Daddy in ways that are so difficult to not only explain, but to intellectualize in any way that gives comfort or reconciliation. Daddy hates that your last moments were on his chest. He hates that your death is often considered his fault by people who think SIDS is suffocation by neglect. Your Daddy also hates that he believes all those people who blame him because Daddy should have been better, should have known, and should have been strong enough to keep you alive. For all of those shortcomings, Daddy is sorry. You deserved more. You deserved better...and you deserved a stronger Dad. I am sorry for my failings and miss you every moment of my life. Hopefully, you can forgive Daddy for all of his shortcomings when we meet again.

Ilove you!
Daddy

4 comments:

  1. I wish I had something more profound to say other than, "It's not your fault," but I don't. You may have some shortcomings- we all do- but none of those contributed to Colin not being here today.

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  2. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

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  3. lots of hugs we all have shortcomings but none of us would intentionally hurt our children. I hope you find peace and can forgive yourself.

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