Daddy has been accused of becoming a bit of a recluse, a home body, and just plain distant. These are all fair accusations, and Daddy does not deny any of them. However, these accusations are based on physical observations by other and none of these people have ever bothered to ask why or even think that there might be some very legitimate reasons for wanting to just be alone most of the time. You see, there is Daddy's inherent tendency yo be a loner. He is perfectly content to have a very small circle of friends or just to not speak to anyone at all for stretches of time. It is just who Daddy is. The other part that Daddy never shared is the fear of facing people.
There is a very real fear of having to gear up for another awkward conversation...the fear of what ignorant or hurtful thing your Daddy will have to politely deflect instead of choking the crap out of the offender who says something that implies that Daddy killed you (Yes! That still happens from time to time). That fear is the worst one since supposedly intelligent people possibly think Daddy would do anything to harm you. That is when the world seems to close in and Daddy feels the damning eyes of everyone around him, causing him to withdraw even more than normal to a safe place.
The thing that stinks is that the "safe" place is supposed to be home, but you died there, so home is not even completely safe any longer, causing Daddy to withdraw even more. It is a terrible way to go through life, and Daddy is trying to fight through it all to find a way out of this cycle, but every time someone comes across with a "It must be tough for you, having your son suffocate on top of you like that," it just takes any forward progress and drags it back to March 2, 2011...back to step one.
I miss you, and love you very much!