Monday, March 26, 2012

Funk It!

Colin,

Daddy has been in an emotional funk lately for whatever reason(s), but it is there and it sucks the life and passion right out of him. Just about everything in life losses its vibrance during these times. Food doesn't seem to taste as good as it should, work seems totally meaningless, and relationships suffer because Daddy does not really feel the need to be social and talk about anything other than you, and after 13 months, they are probably tired of hearing about how much this all sucks. Heck, sometimes I am tired of my brain telling me how much this all sucks! However, that off switch is still nowhere to be found, so I am forced to listen to it needle me any chance it gets. Daddy has taken some steps to try to get out of this funk...he has stopped reading other blogs (sorry friends, but it is needed right now) he normally follows, and your Dad has even taken a few days off from your blog, maybe not enough to help, but Daddy feels compelled to write as often as possible, and his little funk seems like a lame excuse not to, so Daddy still does, even on most bad days.

Maybe it is the new baby and the mixed emotions running around in the old brain...joy, fear, anger, frustration, love, excitement, and lots of confusion. Let Daddy explain. The confusion comes from the fact that this baby would not have been given a thought had you lived. Does this mean that Daddy is going to subconsciously short-change this new little life because you should still be here and the new little one should not have even been a consideration? Think about it. How does Daddy explain the full truth about why they are part of this family and have them understand? It is not that Daddy does not love this baby, rather just that you would be just about 15 months old right now and our perfect little family would blissfully go along never thinking twice about having another child. Well, that perfect little family has been shattered and this little one will have to understand that (s)he, through no fault at all, is a big part of the glue that is putting all those pieces back together. Is it an unfair burden...yes! Is it one that Daddy will ever tell him or her...absolutely not! (S)He deserve to have Daddy's full and unconditional love, and your Dad is trying to reconcile all of those conflicting and confusing thoughts and emotions before the next 5 months (or so) are up. Daddy will do his best.

I love you!
Daddy

3 comments:

  1. I've had those same kinds of thoughts about this baby. It's hard.


    Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

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  2. with the one year anniversary of my son's death just around the corner, and a new baby on the way for us also (July), I too have been in a funk! I think you are very normal right now given the situation. People in my support group have said that the second year is WORSE than the first (great - something to look forward too!) But I am hoping for both of us that with the new lives we are expecting, things will only be BETTER!!!

    Nancy
    http://thecookiegal.wordpress.com/

    Keep taking it one day at a time!!!

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  3. Teri Garber GeorgeApril 2, 2012 at 11:06 AM

    So happy to hear about this wonderful news, so happy for all of you !!!

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