Friday, May 4, 2012



The one thing that always suffers when your Daddy is off is his sleep. Either Daddy sleeps too much or, in most cases, way too little. Lately, Daddy has had the worst time getting anything reasonably close to meaningful sleep. As you can guess, it is due to mental stress, flashbacks, nightmares, resentment, guilt, and now a fear of going to sleep because that seems when all of these things are at their worst. This sleep deprivation is really starting to take its toll on Daddy's temperament and mood. One would think that Daddy is more irritable or short-fused right now, but it is more of a "who cares?" sort of mood. Focus is gone, drive is gone, desire is gone, and will is not much far behind. The only thing that keeps Daddy going is willing himself to do things, and that sucks too. There is no enjoyment in willing life to feel better. There is no enjoyment in willing yourself through your day because you have to. Hell, there is no enjoyment at all most of the time. It is simply existing for the sake of existing...or in other words, occupying space. Daddy used to use alcohol to at least numb the brain enough to sleep or pass out...I know, I know...not healthy, but at least there was something akin to restful sleep. Now, Daddy watches bad movies or just lies in a dark room staring at the ceiling, floor, bed, pillow, or the insides of his eyelids. Maybe simple exhaustion will win out soon, or not. Whatever happens, one thing your Dad knows is that the human body needs rest, and Daddy needs to find a way to quiet those demons in his brain, without any outside help, in order to not just sleep...but rest.

I love you and miss you!

1 comment:

  1. Have you heard of EMDR for PTSD? I am going to try it. It was developed and has been very successful for veterans. Unfortunately, it isn't considered super safe for pregnancy. My husband is going to try it in the next few weeks. It is supposed to take the sting out of the trauma. Many, many bereaved parents have told me that they have done it and it worked miracles. Just a suggestion. I will let you know how it works for us. I am sorry you aren't sleeping. It is just torturous to be up all night with your own flashbacks and thoughts.