SIDS is Fucking Ugly

I would love to never have to post anything like this ever again, however, after 20 months, there is still a profound emptiness that infiltrates every aspect of my life. The underlying issue is the simple fact that there is no explanation for how Colin really died, and that tacit guilt by association eats away at the very fabric of who I am. SIDS is an ugly...really fucking ugly word (acronym). It smacks me in the face every moment of every day of my life. I have tried to run from it, take it head on, drown it in anger and alcohol, and just ignore its very existence. No matter the path, I always end up back in the same dark place I can not seem to escape...my son died, in part, because I may have done something wrong...possibly making his death my fault to a degree. A moment of pause for those who may think this is a self-pity post...I want no sympathy/empathy from anyone. I want no absolution. All I want is internal peace and some sort of fucking answer to what happened and how/why Colin died. I do not deserve the answer(s), but his Mother and Sisters do. They deserve a peace that I will never have. They deserve something concrete to hold onto, and they deserve to know if "Baby Brother" died from some yet unknown mysterious thing or a mistake that could be my undoing. Colin also deserves to know that his Father either did or did not contribute to his death. In the end, if there is a god, I will answer for it all, but until then, all I have is science to help try to explain that Colin died just because...well...we don't know...and that is not enough to shed light in those dark places no one else gets to see...and hopefully never will.