What if...?

What if you get an answer? What then?

These two simple questions were asked of me by a friend, and they really made me think. Would a real answer to what SIDS is make anything different? Would an answer change how I feel about not having my son? What would I have to be angry about any longer? Now that I know the answer, where do I focus all of my negative energy?

So, maybe an answer is not that important after all. That does not mean that one day I would not be happy to actually know what SIDS is and why my son is dead, but that answer does not change the fact that Colin is still dead. All it does is remove the asterisk from the record books. While that may bring a momentary sigh of relief, the life-long journey without Colin is still there to be embraced. After all, I still have my wife and two daughters to love and cherish for the rest of my days, and while the void left by Colin's death will never be filled, the rest of life has to go on and my story still has many chapters to be written. So, maybe it is time to stop actively seeking an answer that may never materialize and just hope that the answer will one day find me. After all, the maddening search will do nothing to bring Colin back, but it will destroy what I have left, and that is not something I am willing to sacrifice.

So, I will just remember those two simple questions...What if you get an answer? What then?