The more I am at fault, the more I am not at fault. The more I an not at fault, the more I am.
I know the above statement makes no sense in so many ways, but it is my life. I either killed or contributed to killing Colin, or I did not. It is that simple. SIDS is that simple. Death happens for a reason. I have struggled for 4 years, 4 months, 2 weeks, and now almost 2 days looking for an answer to something that makes no sense and offers no real answer. SIDS is a diagnosis of exclusion and when you finish the list of what might have happened, you arrive at a SIDS diagnosis. It gives no comfort, no solace, and no path toward healing. It is truly an insidious acronym that just looks at you and shrugs its shoulders.
So, if you are still reading...what next?!?!?! What do you do with an non-answer to an open ended question. Well, for me, you obsess, you make poor choices, and you slowly die in an effort to derive reason from the unreasonable. It is a maddening, selfish, and very dark pursuit that I do not recommend. The answers never come. The path leads to dead end after dead end, and you destroy everything around you, because you destroy yourself. At the end of the day, the answer is still the answer...your (and my) child is dead, and we can not fix, change, or alter the outcome. Dead is really fucking final, and it really fucking hurts. It has taken the above listed time frame for me to understand this, and I hope this post lessens the time another Dad (or Mom) needs to come to the same realization.
I know that I do not post often and I have withdrawn from the SIDS community, but if this or any other post touches or helps you, I am still here...just not as "out there" as before.
I wish you all a peace and love that gives you comfort, and knowing that is more difficult than imaginable, I can say that it can be found through the love of friends well known and friends you never wish you had met.
Keep pushing forward, and never be afraid to reach out...no matter what time of day or night
Steven (Colin's Daddy)