Friday, July 17, 2015

Fault Lines

The more I am at fault, the more I am not at fault. The more I an not at fault, the more I am.

I know the above statement makes no sense in so many ways, but it is my life. I either killed or contributed to killing Colin, or I did not. It is that simple. SIDS is that simple. Death happens for a reason. I have struggled for 4 years, 4 months, 2 weeks, and now almost 2 days looking for an answer to something that makes no sense and offers no real answer. SIDS is a diagnosis of exclusion and when you finish the list of what might have happened, you arrive at a SIDS diagnosis. It gives no comfort, no solace, and no path toward healing. It is truly an insidious acronym that just looks at you and shrugs its shoulders.

So, if you are still reading...what next?!?!?! What do you do with an non-answer to an open ended question. Well, for me, you obsess, you make poor choices, and you slowly die in an effort to derive reason from the unreasonable. It is a maddening, selfish, and very dark pursuit that I do not recommend. The answers never come. The path leads to dead end after dead end, and you destroy everything around you, because you destroy yourself. At the end of the day, the answer is still the answer...your (and my) child is dead, and we can not fix, change, or alter the outcome. Dead is really fucking final, and it really fucking hurts. It has taken the above listed time frame for me to understand this, and I hope this post lessens the time another Dad (or Mom) needs to come to the same realization.

I know that I do not post often and I have withdrawn from the SIDS community, but if this or any other post touches or helps you, I am still here...just not as "out there" as before.

I wish you all a peace and love that gives you comfort, and knowing that is more difficult than imaginable, I can say that it can be found through the love of friends well known and friends you never wish you had met.

Keep pushing forward, and never be afraid to reach matter what time of day or night

Steven (Colin's Daddy)


  1. I know what you mean - there are times, although not as often, that I still ask "What if?" What if we had gone with radiation....what if we didn't do the surgery...what if they had made the surgery longer....what if we had gone to NYC....what if.....stupid f-ing cancer hadn't entered my life and stolen my child from me??
    in some way I have an "answer" to as why he died....STUPID cancer....doesn't make it easy heart breaks for all of us that have lost a child, but more so for those who lost their children and have no answers as to why it happened.

    Mom to Angel Alexander - forever 21 months

  2. Good to hear from you again. I go through phases where I obsess about "Why?" and sometimes it subsides for a few days. We're almost 3 1/2 years out from Mason's death. It's not any easier than the day he died. I've just gotten better about hiding my emotions.

    I feel what you are saying Steven. Take care of yourself.