An email from a friend (thank you Ernesto) sparked the idea of another issue I know I struggle with…the feeling of being alone in my grief. Let me state first that I know that I am not alone and there are thousands of families unfortunate enough to have to live with very similar feelings in relation to the death of their child…I get it. That said, at the end of the day when I kiss my wife goodnight and before I close my eyes, there is no one talking, no one listening, no distractions, and nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. Unfortunately this reflection time is when I often get that "alone" feeling. Occasionally I here your voice or a sound I attribute to sounds you would be making now. It often keeps me up through various parts of the night and sometimes sparks dreams or nightmares. When I wake up in the morning and take my shower, I try to process the night before and wonder: "How can anyone else understand this? Surely this isn't normal and doesn't happen to anyone else!"
It is not your fault at all Colin. I am just saying that it is the moments that you come to me in whatever way you do make me think way too much and wonder if I am going a bit mad or just physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically processing my grief and sadness. I very much hope that it is the latter, because if I am losing my mind and going mad, you are so grounded when I get to see you again…just kidding. Anyway, back to that alone feeling. I know that I am never truly alone. You are always with me and the universe constantly finds ways to remind me of that, it is just that I got being alone confused with being lonely.
Thanks for listening. Daddy loves you and misses you!