Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Afterdeath

Just about every religion thoughout history has some sort of explanation for the afterlife. Whether it is Heaven or Hell, Limbo, Purgatory, Reincarnation, Sheol, Valhalla, or any other place man has named for our existence after our physical body is dead, we have a place to go. I guess it makes people feel better to think of a place where there is no more pain or suffering after we die. It sounds nice and hopefully one or all of the religions of the world are correct to some extent, but no religion that I know of deals with the subject of the "afterdeath."

What is the afterdeath you ask? Well, since I made up the word, I can give it any definition I want. The definition I choose is...the afterdeath is having to figure out how to live again after the death of your child. You may think that the answer is easy...take care of Ellen, take care of Ava, be strong, be a man (whatever that means), and honor Colin by living a good life. There are valid points in all of those things, but I did all of that before Colin died and the fact is, he is still dead. I admit that I try harder now that he is gone, but that still does not change the fact that he is dead. Nothing changes that fact, so how do I live in this afterdeath? I am constantly searching for that answer, and the problem is that when I think I found it, it changes. As much as I would love to find that all elusive off switch for my brain, it remains absent. I analyze every single moment of my life...and if you think that is an exaggeration, trust me, I would love it to be, but it is the truth I live in now.

At any given moment, there are a multitude of questions that I continually try to answer. Some of these questions make no logical sense, but neither does the death of my 2 month old son. Some questions are probably only going to be answered when I die and get my 15 minutes with God. It will more than likely be a lot longer than that...he kind of owes me now. Other questions may never be answered, but I will never stop searching for the answers no matter what. I need to know and Colin deserves nothing less than my relentless pursuit of all the whys? what ifs? hows? etc. So, I guess this is what the afterdeath really is, and endless quest to find meaning, validation, sanity, serenity, and hope in the wake of having my child die. It is going to take a lifetime to find any or all of these in their purest form. Hopefully, Colin, you will keep giving me the strength to continue my journey through the afterdeath.

I love you!


  1. I think that is an answer we will all spend the rest of our lives trying to find....and probably never finding it.

    This is the worst quest in the world, this afterdeath.

  2. Mom4ever said...
    You said it. Someone said it. It has a name. The Afterdeath.

    Thank you. I popped over here from Kelly's blog, I will have to come back to your's.

    I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your Colin.

  3. i'm the one who wrote "stunned by sids". somehow, i never had a major freak out. i saw your page, i saw that I was on "friends of colin's corner" and i just feel like the whole freak out that never came finally came. i don't know how to link my page with yours or how to connect with those other links or how you found me. my last post was about losing the sadness and now i see that it's not even hit me and i don't know. i just don't know. i guess it's going to hit me full force whenever it wants to.

    ugh, oh my god. i made a new post. your blog triggered something in me and some kind of sadness is definitely still locked inside of me. it's trying to get out. i never saw it before. it's trying to get out. it's just, i don't know. i'm so sorry. i didn't know you would link to me on your page. i know i'm repeating myself. i am so sad.

    my son died april 16, 2011. he was 9 weeks and 5 days - his name was/is Harrison.