Wednesday, October 5, 2011

October 15th

Hey Colin,

Did you know that October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? Well, neither did I until someone pointed it out to me...not that I really wanted this particular nugget of information, but since I know it is out there, it is yet another example of how we Dads are "second class grievers" yet again. These days, we men are expected to say "we are pregnant" or "we are expecting" so that we men seem sensitive and involved, even though the Moms really do all the work for the first nine months. However, when something goes horribly wrong...miscarriage, still birth, or infant death, we men are expected to "keep a stiff upper lip" and "be strong for the sake of the family." You have to love that little bit of societal hypocrisy.

I have looked, and trust me, every website dedicated to October 15 focuses solely on the grief of the mother. For anyone and everyone out there...over 500,000 infant deaths occur each year in the United States alone! You know what that means...there are 500,000 Dads that hurt as well....each year! We do not want to usurp the Moms in any way...actually we want to share our thoughts so maybe we can better understand theirs. We want to know it is ok for us to mourn our children and cry with our wives. We want to be Dads from conception to matter when or how our child's death may occur. So on this October 15, don't forget to hug a Dad as well as a Mom. We will love you and appreciate you for remembering.

Ok buddy...enough ranting from your father today.

I love you!


  1. I've only read a small handful of websites or blogs that have anything to do with grieving dads....yours being one of those few. It really bothers me. I've been trying to find a way to include the dads in something for this October 15th stuff, but in all honesty, I'm so worn down with work this month that I don't care much about any of it any more. I care about it, but I care more about my own well-being and getting through these rough days for me, not for any special day, not for anyone else.

    I don't know if you saw the post I wrote about starting a non-profit for grieving parents. I'm still working out all the details and getting a handful of care packages together. I was talking through some of the details with Bryan, and I felt like even though the items in the packages are for both parents, it does seem like it's more for the mother. I've been wanting to talk with some dads to get some insight about what I could do to include the dads in my packages. Work has been crazy, and my computer has been down so I haven't been online much. Would you be up for talking about it?

  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I am going to share it on our facebook page I hope someday this awareness will be extended equally to both grieving moms AND dads. I am certain the organizers of this movement are not purposeful in this, but it goes back to how men don't often grieve openly these losses as much as women.

  3. thank you for your honesty, have shared on my facebook page Grief Journeys


  4. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Colin. I feel honored to have read your thoughts here. There are so needed to be heard.
    Pretty sure my husband would agree with you. We have been on this journey for ten yrs (as of Oct 13). Without doubt there are more outlets for my grief than my hubby's. Again, thank you. I will be sharing with my hubby and as widely as I can via

  5. Hi, I am so sorry for the loss of your little guy. I just wanted to comment and say that I completely agree with you. People think it's crazy that my fiance is just as hurt over our losses as I am, if not more so. I always felt guilty that he wasn't opening up about it at first because he felt that he "had to be strong" for me. I wanted him to share how he felt, share his pain. He went through two miscarriages with his ex, and then we have had three since we have been together... I at first didn't know how to deal with my losses because he already seemed so ok with his side of it... We are currently pregnant again and praying this not be my fourth loss (and his 6th).

  6. I know very well the pain of a grieving father watching my own husband in his grief. My husband and I started Heavenly angels in need after the loss of our daughter Mariah in 2000 and our daughter Gloria in 1993. And in honor of our other children 2 of the 4 were premature. Anyway check out our org and if anyone needs anything from us, please feel free to contact us.- Mary