Friday, December 2, 2011

Marking Time


Today is yet another one of those days that just mark time. You would be 11 months old today and you have been dead for 9 months. While these days are not as bad as they used to be, the still suck and are still filled with so many mixed emotions. I remember the day of your birth as vividly as the day you died. Both events were profound for so many different reasons, and on these conflicting days the images that flash through the brain as beautiful and horrifying all at the same time. I really wish that Daddy could explain how strange it is to live in this strange new reality but I do not think there are words capable of sharing what it really feels like deep down in the places very few ever get to see. Yet on the 2nd day of each month I try to tell you how much I love you by sharing with you both places, the heights of Daddy's love and the depths of Daddy's despair. Those usually get shared on a walk or just sitting quietly and reflecting on and with you. They are our places, good and bad, where Daddy keeps you alive in his head and heart so that you always know how much I love you and how sorry I am that I have to tell you that in a blog instead of with you in my arms.

I love you very much!

1 comment:

  1. Steven,

    The second of every month have become a very significant day to me as well. I feel you loss on this day just as much as I feel the loss of my daughter on the 19th of every month. And your right, the days now are not as bad as the days early on, but it still does not make it any easier. It all reserfaces on these days, the heartache, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, the remeberance. All these emotions are there, its just not as intense.

    I can honestly tell you that your courage and strength has given me so much inspiration and has helped me so much. It is as Kelly would say, "an unfortunate honor" to have gotten to know you and Colin. Thank you for the privilege of allowing me to read your blog, thank you for the privilege of getting to know you personally, and thank you for the privilege of getting to know your son Colin through you.

    Take care my friend,