Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Beautiful Nothingness

Sometimes, when you least expect it, the memories, flashbacks, and nightmares land you right at the edge of a very steep cliff. When this happens, you stand there for a while and just look into the dark silence and admire the perceived peace and simplistic beauty of nothingness. It is alluring to feel and see nothing and that allure tempts you to close your eyes and lean forward just enough to fall in so that you, too, feel and see nothing. However, when you just get past the point of no return, it helps to have people around you who grab you by the back of the shirt a pull you back to safety and reality.

Yesterday was one of those days for me. I needed to be pulled back. I was standing there, thinking of everything SIDS is and is not, and kept coming back to the nagging feeling that since there is no determinable cause of death and Colin died on me that I must be the cause. (I logically know this is not the case, but this is not about logic) There has to be an answer, and when you look everywhere for that answer and it is nowhere to be found, you turn inward to find an answer, and drawing the conclusion that it must be my fault in some way is not a stretch by any means. Having Colin die on my chest breaks my heart every single day. Thinking that I may have done something to cause his death destroys any sense of peace I have come to have.

So, there I was standing on the edge again looking into the nothingness and feeling as if I was the only one in the world who could possibly understand until I reached out before it was too late. The reminders of my living children having a dead brother and father in such a short time frame, the thoughts of my wife being a widow because I could not handle the pain, and the knowledge that people are there to help pull you back if only you reach out for help in not giving into that beautiful nothingness....no matter how alluring it may seem at that moment...when the pain seems too unbearable. So, in short, as much as I would sell my very soul for one more moment, one more chance to know and hopefully change the outcome, it is not my time to see my son again. One day it will be, but it will not be because I let myself fall off that cliff.


  1. Oh my god! I feel this too often. I want to be with Max...or at least, I just want to stop feeling all together. I often think my desperation to have Mo was actually desperation to save myself because I needed something to live for. Ted reminded me constantly that I would be leaving him with the shittiest story if he had to tell people that his baby died and then his wife killed herself. That would be a seriously terrible thing to do to him. Still, last night I was in a HOLE.....A big one that I wished would swallow me up. It is so tiring. I AM SO SORRY HE DIED ON YOU! I am so sorry! I wish we knew what SIDS was because it would be better to know what happened - at least we could know what not to do in the future or make sure to advocate not to do whatever it was. I am so sorry. The trauma you must be carrying from that is probably completely overwhelming all of the time. You a wonderful, beautiful person and daddy. I am sorry.

  2. You have summed up how I feel..I really think I am just existing for others..I am finding it so hard and I think everyone around me thinks I am improving but inside I just feel consumed by guilt and regret and utter sadness...they rest of my life just feels so daunting now..I have no peace of mind and am just trying to fill my days..